Dear Dr. Cowan,

It seams to me that my son has many reason to have some anger issues - that we have not dealt with - some kids seems to move in life easily, however, he still remembers how his grade 2 teacher was very unfair to him when he is the one who was hurt by some else and even gave him a whole week suspension. I find that once you have the label you might as well work with it and make the best of it.

My question is - my son is now is grade 7 - but has had to take the blame - some times unfairly, we also are going through major health challenges in the familly and also lost our home - so needless to say there is some anger that he talked to the school pchychologyst about. Now I am being asked to send him for an anger management program. Where do I start - to find the most effective and fun place to take my son to?

Many thanks - for you continues support!

Mom

Dear Mom,

I am sorry to hear about your circumstances. This sounds like a very difficult and challenging time for your family. Regarding your son, here are some thoughts just off the top of my head - but they might help.

First, if you are involved in a church you'd want to have your son meet with, and hang around, the pastor (or rabbi, etc) and with some young men who are mature and wise for their age. Find some guys who are in High School or college that are "really good guys" and see if your son can spend some time with them doing service project in your community or serving people in some capacity. We take teams to Mexico to build houses, to help elderly people in our community, and try to help feed people too. He can do these kinds of projects, and helping others who are less well off that yourself can take the edge off of anger.

Also consider the martial arts. I know that seems counter-intuitive, but I have seen lots of good results of children and teens taking karate or judo lessons. They demand self-discipline and self-control of students. You just have to shop for teachers who desire that their students gain perspective and wisdom, rather than teachers who want their kids to know how to fight.

Your son also needs to understand that there are several options in how to respond to perceived injustices in life. Some people feel helpless and get depressed. Others feel picked on and get angry.

But these are not the only options. Some few see injustice in the world and seek to change the world, beginning with living righteously in their own life, and then seeking righteousness and justice in the world around them. Whether your candidate is Obama or McCain, you see in both men a long-term desire to change the world for the better. Though they disagree on the best ways to accomplish the goal, they have both devoted their "lives and their fortunes" to this.

Tell your son not to waste his life, or his time, on things that don't matter. Ask him to spend his days, weeks, and years in the pursuit of helping others and making the world a better place for us all. Make a difference. Do things that really matter.

I hope these ideas are at least somewhat helpful to you.

Thanks for writing.

Doug Cowan