Dear Fathers

I do hope that you are enjoying the kind of wonderful spring weather that we are enjoying here in California. I do know that many of you are enduring flooding rains in the mid-West, and our heart goes out to you. We wish you the best.

I am sitting on my deck overlooking Bear Valley thinking about Father’s Day, and about being a father. God has blessed me with three wonderful children, two in their twenties and one age seven, and through the years I have learned many lessons about fatherhood that somehow I’d like to put into writing and pass on to you.

Just last week I was at a gathering of men at our church where the question was asked, “How many of you men never have heard your father say either ‘I love you’ or ‘I am proud of you?’ I was surprised at the number of men – full grown men – who raised their hands. Too many.

Through the years as a counselor I have seen the impact on both men and women who have spent years of their lives in just trying to be “good enough” to please their fathers, or to be “successful enough” to earn their father’s praise. For these unfortunate adults the focus of their lives has been distracted by seeking one man’s approval, by seeking their father’s blessing.

So fathers, may I encourage you this Father’s Day, to look each of your children in the eyes, pause for a dramatic moment, and then tell them that you love them, and that you are proud of them. Free them from having to seek those words over the years from you. Give them your “blessing” and give them your encouragement.

The second important thing I would encourage you to do this Father’s Day is to consider what you will leave behind to your children when you die. What legacy will you leave?

Just today I spoke on the phone with my 91 year old uncle Johnny in Houston. A wonderful and gracious man, Johnny has raised four great children who are also gracious and generous as adults. Johnny may have a few more months, or years left with us in this life (I hope many years), but when his life is over here we will truly be able to say that he has left behind a rich legacy to his children, and they to their children.

What is the legacy that you will be leaving to your children? By and large your sons will grow up to be like you. By and large your daughters will grow up to marry a man like you.

Are you the kind of man that you would like your sons to grow up to be like? Are you the kind of man that you would like your daughters to marry? Be that man.

What are the virtues that you live out daily in your home, your business, or your community? I only ask because virtues are a much better inheritance to leave to your children than money or property will ever be.

“Wisdom is more precious than jewels, so get wisdom,” wrote Solomon the wise King. Socrates agreed with Solomon, and held that there was only one important virtue, that of wisdom. The Greek philosophers who followed Socrates valued four prime virtues: wisdom, courage, temperance, and justice. Jesus, in his Sermon on the Mount, speaks on virtues too, listing humility, meekness, righteous living, mercy, purity of heart, and peacemaking among others. Saint Paul, familiar with both Greek philosophy and Jewish morality, listed six great virtues in his letter to Timothy: righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, and meekness.

Fathers, what virtues are you teaching your children on purpose?

Your children, as mine, are growing up in a world that is different that the one in which we were raised. Though it is not so different that we cannot understand it, it is different enough that we have to purposefully take notice.

Our children are growing up in a world where the average child or teenager is “plugged in” to electronic entertainment of some sort for an average of 48 hours a week. This includes mp3 players, computer games, video games, TV, videos, and etc. That’s an average of 48 hours a week that is not being spent on conversation with parents, grandparents, neighbors, tutors, pastors, rabbis, or others who may possess some wisdom that our children might benefit from.

We have in the past referred to the Cornell University study that reported that the average (middle of the bell curve) father spends less than 60 seconds each day in conversation with his children. This happens when there is no purposeful intention, when there is no plan, to impart your wisdom and your virtues into the life of your children.

We think that our children will grow up with wisdom, character, integrity, or faith by accident. But they will not. Without your purposeful investment into your children they will grow up to be like their peers who also lack these virtues, and if they learn anything from you it will only be your indifference.

So fathers, may I encourage you this Father’s Day, and every day to follow, to be intentional, be purposeful, in spending time with your children and teenagers in conversation about the things that really matter. Speak to them about God. Speak to them about wisdom and courage. Speak to them about integrity and honor and charity. Make this kind of an investment in your children yourself, without delegating this to anyone else (like the school teacher or youth pastor).

And remember, tell your children that you love them, and that you are proud of them. Give them your blessing. Happy Father’s Day to you all.