My 5-year-old son has no interest in helping with jobs around the house, either inside or outside. Often, he will drop to the floor, whining/screaming for something such as being asked to help set the table.

Recently I asked him to drive his ride-on dump truck around my garden and collect the weeds in exchange for some bubble gum. "No thanks" was his answer. He is not interested in pleasing me. We are doing a m&m's reward program for "flush and wash without being told" (this has been going on for 6-8 months). Should I be requiring him to assist with chores? I don't want him to be totally self-centered. . what can help this process?

Thank you for your help!!!

MOM

Dear MOM

Thanks for writing. You are in a difficult situation. Our culture says that you should just let your child be "who he is, and who he wants to be," but in your heart you seem to know that is not right - that path leads to selfishness and self-centeredness. That path also leads to rebelliousness against authority, your authority and eventually against all authority.

Yes, your five year old should help and do chores. But that is not really the issue that you write about, is it? It seems that you are really asking whether or not you should expect your child to obey you, or if it is OK for your child to look you in the eyes and say "no" to you. "Who is in charge?" is the larger issue, and "what can I expect from my five year old?"

At the root of the matter is deciding whether our "culture" is right in thinking that children are naturally "good" and "kind" and "loving" and need to just be left alone to grow up and be a wonderful person, or if our culture is wrong.

The possibility must be considered that past generations were right in observing that children are by nature self-centered, and must be taught to share and consider other people's needs as well as their own. Even Solomon, the wise King who lived 2,700 years ago, wrote that "foolishness (not goodness or wisdom) is bound up in the heart of a child".

So, this is where the decision must be made: either let your five year old run his life (as if he had wisdom, self-discipline, and life-skills), and run your home (as if he were the parent), or not. (As you point out, he is just learning to "flush and wash" so he's probably not ready to be in charge yet).

If you choose the "not" then you must take the active role of parent, teacher, disciplinarian, wise man, rabbi and pastor, drill instructor, and of course the most important role of "mother."

In general, here is a good principle: "foolishness" should be addressed by teaching to it, and "rebellion" should be addressed by discipline and/or punishment. The wise parent must know the difference between foolishness and rebellion so that they know how to respond.

Two good books by a wise man who gets a bad rap from the "culture": Raising Boys, and Dare to Discipline, both by Dr. James Dobson. They are worth reading and pondering. The people who would say to just let your child alone just hate Dobson. The people who feel like there must be a better way typically like Dobson and his books a lot. They are worth checking out from your library (if they would carry them) or you can get them at Amazon. Consider them, and then choose what works for you and your family.

You are the parent. May God grant you great wisdom and insight as you do this most important job in the whole world - being a parent.

I hope this helps. Stay in touch.

Doug Cowan